Indoor Cycling

Boynton and Long Canyons elevated route

Out to the Bell Rock Boulevard roundabout and back

[Disclaimer: Some of the details in the following satirical passage are true, whereas others are fictionalized or even completely fabricated.]

In one of my many recent trips to the airport to pick up visiting family and friends, one of my passengers shared with me a copy of the print version of the latest issue of The ElliptiGO Times (a publication that I didn’t even know existed [Editor’s Note: It doesn’t.]).  The articles and other features in the paper are fascinating! For example, the headlines on page 1 are:

TWO-TIME ELLIPTIGO WORLD CHAMPION FROM MICHIGAN EXTENDS DOMINANCE TO KITCHEN, BEATS BOBBY FLAY

BILLY DISPLAYS GRACE UNDER PRESSURE, BLOWS AWAY PALOMAR FIELD

DYNAMIC ELLIPTIGO DUO SKETCHES EPIC STRAVA HIPPOPOTAMUS ON THE STREETS OF SAN FRANCISCO (https://www.strava.com/activities/10436521057)

Another article describes how a prominent Dutch ElliptiGOer (and member of the title-winning RadiGOactive team) has been hired by the Convention Bureau of The Hague, which is known as “the home of international law and arbitration,” to spice up the city’s staid image. The Bureau was drawn to the ElliptiGOer by his patented “three-photo approach” in social media (i.e., Strava) postings featuring spectacular images of sites in and around The Hague. The three photos displayed are (a) scenic view; (b) ElliptiGO in scene; and (c) selfie in scene. It’s rumored that Denpasar, the capital of Bali, Indonesia may contract the ElliptiGOer’s services for the same purposes!

The investigative report titled URETHANE LOAD WHEELS: JUST SILENT OR SILENT BUT DEADLY? caught my attention right away. The thrilling conclusion called for independent trials conducted by Senior Scientist of all things ElliptiGO, speedy Palomar ascender, and member of the title-winning RadiGOactive team, Jay Cee, whose meticulous approach to ElliptiGO-related research has received widespread acclaim.

My attention was also captured by a piece titled ELLIPTIGO’S WHITING AND NBA’S WILLIAMSON COLLABORATE ON FITNESS INITIATIVE. Apparently, ElliptiGO is working with the basketball league to promote healthy physical activity among hoops fans. Company CEO Bryan Pate expressed confidence in the partnership, saying “It will get done. Bryce and Zion are amazing!”

I was inspired by the captivating story of a prominent member of the ElliptiGO community who had a second hip replacement surgery and was back on the GO shortly thereafter. Before the operation, Oscar Goldman was quoted as saying “We can rebuild her. We have the technology. We can make her better, than she was. Better, stronger, faster.” Lindsay Wagner (aka Jaime Sommers) will be playing the bionic ElliptiGOer in the movie version. 

The tantalizing feature article titled TWO-TIME BENELUX ELLIPTIGO CHAMPION SHARES TRAINING SECRETS was full of surprises, including the revelation that several weeks off the GO in the Philippines was a key to the Belgian title-winner’s most recent competitive success.

Almost lost on the paper’s back page was a news article titled SPORT SOCIOLOGISTS DRAW PARALLELS BETWEEN GERC AND HHH in which New Tammany College’s I. J. Reilly claims that the reputation of the world renowned Hash House Harriers (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hash_House_Harriers) as a “Drinking Club With A Running Problem” is mirrored by the Global ElliptiGO Riders Club emerging image as a “Doughnut-Eating Club With A GOing Problem.” It’s hard to argue with scientific data!

With all this great ElliptiGO-related content, I will have to make sure to get my hands on the next edition of the paper!


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Britt Brewer

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Indoor Cycling

Boynton and Long Canyons elevated route

Out to the Bell Rock Boulevard roundabout and back

Indoor Cycling

Indoor Cycling

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