“If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball…”

“I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…”

“I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you…”

“We understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia…”

“Lance Armstrong!…”

ᗪᕮᗩᏒ ᗪ¡ᗩᏒY: “What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea. Resilient... highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate. An idea that is fully formed - fully understood - that sticks; right in there somewhere…” [👺Wow! You went ALL out, the whole quote. ᗩᑎᗪ so appropriate!] 

The 7am 🕖 diners have been decimated. Reduced to 4 including myself. EP  ᗷᏒᕮᗩᏦFᗩᏚT...🥓🍳☕️  goes very well…🤗 

Surfing  🏄‍♂️ [not that kind] yesterday I l👀ked at the ᏚTᏒᗩᐯᗩ challenges. “Mistake…” I only needed 77 miles and change to complete another Rapha 500. I completed this challenge out of spite and despite last year in England 🇬🇧. The ᗯᕮᗩTᕼᕮᏒ was poor, damp, ᑕOᏞᗪ🥶 and windy. I could barely walk when I started it in Tᕼᕮ ᗰᗩTᏒ¡᙭ by mistake. There were errors in calculations ᗩᑎᗪ I wasn’t entirely sure when it started. Completing it in 5 ᗪᗩY’Ꮪ instead of the allotted 8. [discounting the mileage completed in Tᕼᕮ ᗰᗩTᏒ¡᙭ “Do you know what's waiting beyond that beach? Immortality! Take it! It's yours!…”

After Brads pep talk I was ready to go. There was no discernible wind 💨 direction “It’s a trap!…” [👺 In honour of Sheldon] It’s early, just after 8am 🕗 I’m taking things very easy, there’s a long ways to go. No climbing in the big ring 💍 [not that kind] lift and coast on the descents, ᗩᑎᗪ definitely no imaginary races [👺That really will be your downfall] There are a lot of early riders about all going in the other direction. I make a stop 🛑 as Sky are warning ⚠️ me about low data. I roll 3 gb ᗩᑎᗪ keep on rolling. [👺excuse the pun]

At Maspalomas the traffic builds ᗩᑎᗪ riders start passing me. Some say hello 👋🏾 some don’t. I can see Tenerife. Can’t imagine there’s much else but that mountain on the island 🏝️ [bigger much bigger] ⛰️[with snow on top] 🗻[easier to l👀k at the picture.] 

I’m going to the end of the ᏒOᗩᗪ or as far as the ᏒOᗩᗪ allows since the land slide in 2017. ¡ᗰᕼO² they should never fix the ᏒOᗩᗪ. At the moment all cyclists have to either drive to Mogân or catch a boat ⛴️. All cyclists go to Mogân as arguably the best climb on the island 🏝️ starts there - Serenity. [👺 It’s just good business. Open the ᏒOᗩᗪ less ferry ⛴️ traffic] let’s face it, no rider is taking a boat ⛴️ if they can ride [👺That’s cutting into ᑕOᖴᖴᕮᕮ ☕️ money 💰]

I pass Puerto Rico [where you catch the ferry ⛴️ to Mogân], now I’m in uncharted territory. Riders are still passing me. [👺What do they know that you don’t?]🤔 At Taurito there is a Road Block. My Spanish 🇪🇸 isn’t good but the barbwire and the concrete blocks certainly say don’t enter, even the sign 🪧 says something about fines ᗩᑎᗪ beheadings 💀 go no further absolutely, never, no exceptions. So I pushed ᗪᗩKOTᗩ ᖴC across to the gap in the fence and joined the rest of pedestrians and runners. 

The wall is Ꮮ¡TᕮᏒᗩᏞᏞY a stone’s throw from Mogân. [👺It is at this point he realised that climbing Serenity and coming down the other side would’ve yielded the same mileage but less altitude] 😱 “Damn you. God damn you all to hell!..” I continue the plan. Heading back to Maspalomas, then on to Santa Lucia de Tirajana [👺At fucking last. It’s only written on the top of ALL your rides…]🫣 Still in energy conservation mode. I resisted the urge to put the hurt on many passing riders [Or at least that’s the story I’m sticking to] 

At El Viento 💨 there are no outside seats 🪑disaster 😱 I can continue but I need water 💦 I reluctantly ride off. I spy a surf 🏄 shop with a fridge and wander in. I’m too tired to try out my Spanish 🇪🇸 I’d probably ask to pay for his daughter’s wedding. He says he doesn’t have a daughter but also the red bull 🐂 [except red] are free 🆓 gratis - take one. [👺The universe provides] Now I’ve never used Red Bull while riding, if nothing else they’re too small, taste like shit 💩 unless you add Vodka and cost a fortune 💰[👺but they give you wings] I’m unsure how Paul McCartney and his mates are going to help in this situation but I’ll drink it…”Band on the run, band on the run And the jailer man and sailor Sam Were searching everyone…”🎶 [👺You needed a shovel to dig that one up]

The last leg of this O&B&O&BAgain is the O&BAgain reasonably flat, but traffic is building my body is now fooled into thinking it’s hydrated. I’ve eaten 3 contrabands and only have a gel and a jelly energy thing. I did some calculations [👺It’s all going to go to shit 💩 now] I can turn back at that roundabout - it’ll be 7 and change back to the Hotel 🏨 SHIT 💩 NO IT ISN’T [👺Told ya❗️] Surprisingly my legs 🦵🏾 [the other one as well] are not shredded so I do what any self respecting cyclist would do when they’re 3 miles short at the end of a fucking long day. I NOODLED‼️

B2B Ꮢᗩᕈᕼᗩ 500’s…🤫

Inception…
Deep Blue Sea…
Troy…
 Return of the Jedi…
The Planet of the Apes…
Wings…

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CL¡Vᕮ ᗩLᕮXᗩᑎᗪᕮR–ᑕLᗩRKᕮ

“It ain’t over til it’s over…”

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“If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball…”

“I just threw up in my mouth a little bit…”

“I know you. You know you. And I know you know that I know you…”

“We understand that "Ugliness" and "Fatness" are genetic disorders, much like baldness or necrophilia…”

“Lance Armstrong!…”

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