Evening Run

Afternoon Walk

learning about forest management

Lunch Run

😊

(Elapsed time: 16:02:45). (First day of autumn!! 🍁). Wow. The first thing coming to my mind after I finished this is gratitude. Gratitude for being able to do this — for a whole season without injury (well, I kept re-rolling my ankle, but it also kept improving), for a kick-ass PT, for being able to complete the runs leading up to this that constituted the training to do this. For the total whim (a Saturday gone wrong, where my run got delayed until the evening) that got me out to Table Mountain a couple weeks ago for a night run; without which preparation, this run (at night on Mount Hood) would have been a whole lot scarier. For Derek being available to scout with me last week, which helped (my confidence, spirits, and time) a lot when I was on Timberline at night when it’s difficult to see or find the trail in quite a few places, including three river/stream crossings (one was easy, one was not bad; the Sandy would have been tough to find). For Tin being available and willing to shuttle me, both for my initial scout of the first part of the trail earlier in August and for the big day. It helped so much knowing what to expect for the beginning and end portions of the run. Would not have been able to do this at ALL. And then the middle part was a surprise… a beautiful, way-more-flats (or at least, uphills that weren’t very steep)-and-downhills-than-expected surprise. And a surprise that I got to see during the daylight. And gratitude for a body that could make it. Holy cow. I was so incredibly surprised how strong I felt still when I was in the mile 40s. I was still running in the 40s. (And then I ran to the finish at mile 50). I think I could have run a little bit more than I did, physically, except I bonked around mile 48, because I hadn’t eaten much for the last several hours (nausea… couldn’t be bothered to eat much more than the last of my gin gins — “ugh - more food? no”). But so surprised I was still running. I didn’t want to very much. I speedwalked a lot of the last five miles. I think what really helped was my nutrition (before I stopped eating - lol). I brought a lot of real food with me this time, including lots of fruits and vegetables, and potatoes, and some gnarly nutrition things I had with lots of vitamins and minerals from fruits and vegetables. I could tell such a real and huge difference in how long my energy lasted and how well my muscles worked. And I also think it helped a lot stopping and stretching out and putting muscles in different positions - just for a couple minutes - every 5 miles, starting at mile 5! Thank you to Anna for that idea (the stretching out in general idea). 

Okay. Other things: I found lots of signs of either a cougar or a coyote (indistinct tracks, but definite lots of poop) I think, between Indian Springs and Lolo Pass… Mount Hood/Timberline after dark was somewhat scary, quite a few noises (bear? cat? smaller creatures too) — different feeling from the peaceful Table Mountain night run a couple weeks ago. Not sure exactly why. Maybe partially due to the cloud coverage? Maybe partially due to the lack of comforting night noises (there weren’t the froggies and the cicadas and such). (The rivers were loud). I don’t know. And my headlamp died again, without warning!! Pitch black on open mountain face. I got out my second one fairly quickly, but whew. And thank you to Tin for letting me borrow some gear 💛

I can’t believe I did it. It is indeed a different undertaking to go so far… different than even a 30-miler (or 32-miler). Something starting in the upper 30s and going farther … it literally boggles my mind to think of how people go 100 miles, after having gone 50. I was done after 50. My body was also done. (Granted, I did stop eating…). I approached feeling like I was going to pass out a few times between miles 48-50. (I would feel that way every time I pushed and ran, instead of speed walked). That’s how done, haha. (My spirit wanted to run). 

Now, for my more contemplative notes:

One of my biggest flaws (if you can call it that) is that I often believe I don’t deserve as much support as I need. (Fuck you, patriarchy/capitalism/etc). I believe I’m supposed to tough it out, pull it together, be like everybody else who is doing the same. I’ve been criticized and even exiled for wanting or needing support; I can be afraid to ask for it. When people compliment me by calling me strong, it often makes me mad for this reason. It brings to mind the idea that we are all supposed to tough it out/be capable of toughing it out alone. It reminds me of all the times I’ve felt I had to be strong (alone), when what I wanted was to feel cared for, nurtured, and supported. I believe in a world of support. I don’t like emphasizing strength while living in our culture, because our culture over-emphasizes strength and encourages self-sufficiency which is incredibly unhealthy and detrimental to our well-being. We need each other. We are social mammals. We are not meant to be independent and we cannot function that way without eventually self destructing. So I prefer to emphasize connection, nurturing, and support, because our culture and lifestyles are incredibly - and I mean incredibly - lacking in that. Though it is improving.

A quote from a recent counselor, who I was chatting with about grief (and by the way, chatting with counselors = a great way of receiving support, let’s please continue to normalize this; there’s still an existing stigma, though lessened it’s still there, that it’s for people with “mental health concerns” - not true. It’s for people. Period. “Mental health concerns” is just another capitalized box, trying to put people in boxes for the system to keep on functioning. People don’t go in boxes. People flex and flow, and sometimes become rigid or frozen. Mental health isn’t even a standalone or necessarily particularly useful thing to conceptualize, at least the way it’s used colloquially, which is often to put the blame on an individual for a societal or collective problem or hurt. All health is tied to one another — body is tied to mind; person is tied to person; people are tied to culture and nature. The health of one affects the health of all. And we can effect things - there are things we have the power to shift.) Anyway. This was regarding the utterly overwhelming WTGDF past year for me (and that’s on the heels right after COVID, which was also WTGDF for us all): “It sounds like all the things you are sharing with me are things that are out of our hands. Sometimes when life feels like one thing is happening after the other it can make us question ourselves and ask questions like what did I do. Life is hard and there's no real explanation for everything that happened, but it’s not your fault.”

So, with all that stated…… I did this run because I *am* strong. (And got lucky and fortunate with no new injuries, support to shuttle me there and lend me an InReach, Marta originally putting the idea in my head on a whim, friends supporting me, etc). And I *insist* on enjoying that strength with a mindset and heart of love and warm-blooded body-connected tenderness, as an act of resistance towards “having” to be strong for work or for show or for gutting things out or fitting into a system. As an act of resistance toward all the times I’ve found myself forced through one or another vestige of the prevailing culture system into being strong in a cold and detached way, and denied support. I did this run as a connection of love from me to me and celebration of my body and my self, and I did this run with support from other humans and with support even from nature.

Though this run is officially and technically classified as “unsupported” per FKT definitions, because I took everything I needed with me from start to finish and didn’t meet up with anyone for cheering or supplies or pictures along the way, I call it self supported, and I call it supported. No one does anything unsupported. Ever. I took the time, I planned it out, I trained. I had friends encourage me, celebrate, cheer me on (before and after), help me plan. I had a PT/coach helping me train. I had family cheering and tracking me from afar. I had InReach contact. And the weather, it held off, and it was not as cold as I thought… and no bears or cougars mauled me. There was even one moment in the middle of the run when I tripped over a rock and I fell - I was positioned to fall in a superwoman (ow), and I swear it felt like some invisible force came from in front of me and straightened my body back up and I turned around and fell relatively gently on my butt on top of a nice soft poof of big grass on the side of the trail. If that is not unseen felt support, I don’t know what is.

So I did this alone, I did this with my strength and capability, and, I did it supported. And I’ve never yet been prouder to say that.

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Marissa S

FKT: Bridge of the Gods to Timberline Lodge (southbound) via the PCT - unsupported

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Evening Run

Afternoon Walk

learning about forest management

Lunch Run

😊

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